I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
