When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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