speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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