I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
