I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
