I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
