Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
True strength comes from lack of pants
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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