My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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