You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
