got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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