textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
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