Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
