Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
