She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
sarcasm needs its own font
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
