If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
