I haven't been this sober since birth.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
