My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
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