I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
40s are totally the cure
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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