I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
