I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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