I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
