I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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