Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
