My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Girls should come with a carfax report
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize