i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
