Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
