We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Randomize
