he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
no more duck duck goose at the bar
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
