i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
