somebody snuck up and got me drunk
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
