So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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