That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
honey bunches of taint.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
