Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
