and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
