You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
