Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
