I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
