Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
