I don't usually arrange sex via text message
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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