apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Who died my cat blue again?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
