Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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