i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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