I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
