you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Randomize
