I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
