I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
