Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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