Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
