Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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