It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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