Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
