So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
