Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
