the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
