your parents love me but you hate me
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
