After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
