I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
