Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
