it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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