I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
